Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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