it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
