I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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