And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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