I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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