how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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