dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
