as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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