What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
