We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
