My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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