I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
