a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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