im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
