Jerry, you need to find god
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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