I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wish my penis had a tongue
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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