Already got asked if we're dating
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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