Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
