Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
