can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
