What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
