upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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