4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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