I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
