Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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