There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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