Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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