Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
