He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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