Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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