When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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