My sheets look like a crime scene.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
