You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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