Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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