I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
