I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
