you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis