It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
