now i know why i became what i already was.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
