My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
