You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
