So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
