I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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