I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
