dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
