My Higher Power is John Stamos
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize