I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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