shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
