put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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