I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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