So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
