So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
