I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
