a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
