Can i not drive my cunt home
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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