Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
